


Bloodied roots, tarnished future

by Gracefanfics



Category: Captain America Civil War, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Post Civil War - Fandom
Genre: Five Stages of Grief, Natasha Is Not A Robot, Natasha lost everything in the civil war, blood and violence mentioned, fury cares very deeply about his murder child, greif, hurt almost no comfort, or well 2 out of the five, the avengers were Natasha's family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 09:57:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13074465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gracefanfics/pseuds/Gracefanfics
Summary: Nat lost her family in the civil war. She's allowed to be bitter about it.But she isn't. Because that isn't who she is anymore. And Natasha Romanova doesn't care about stupid superheroes anyway.No really. She doesn't.





	Bloodied roots, tarnished future

**Author's Note:**

> Not edited  
> Characters not mine 
> 
> *crying is actually healthy for you 
> 
> *this is my first time writing Natasha. I largely took how I feel when I need to cry and applied it here.

Natasha is. ...she doesn't know what she is. She's something. Feels something. She's not sure she likes it. Not sure what to do now. But that's just fine. (She's always fine). She knows how to take care of herself. How to start over. How to rebuild. 

After trading a barbed warnings with tony. She goes to ground. She knows how to disappear. 

It takes her a week of sitting around in her safe house to come to the conclusion that she was stupid. How had she actually thought any of this would work? What had Bruce called them a time bomb? 

The black widow a super hero. With a family. 

Natasha decided Nat was stupid, trusting fool. She didn't want to be her any more. 

//////////

Natasha goes back to her basics. She takes the bloodiest violentest job she can. And baths in it. Uses it to shut herself down. It's so easy. It's been so long since she's hunted. She hadn't wanted the others to see want she did. See what she was. Hadn't wanted Steve to see. 

Regimes fall every day. The black widow does not cry over them. 

It's so easy to go back to her roots. 

It hurts so much. She doesn't know why (can't admit why. She knows. But to admit the truth? She thinks it might destroy her).

All Natasha wants is to be numb like before. Surely it was better than this hollow ache that seems to be bubbling up with in her. Building and consuming her all the time. She finds another job. Pushes it back down. 

Hasn't she known all along that love is for children. (Not even. Love doesn't exist at all). 

(Oh god. She loved them so much). 

Clint was wrong. Coulson was wrong. Nothing is worth this. 

Nat romanoff. Ex shield agent. Superhero. Avenger. Becomes Natasha romanova. Personal black widow of nick fury. He sends he to play in the darkest corners of the world. With the worst of monsters. Natasha laughs as she plays with her victims and never ever holds back. She licks the blood from her hands as she watches her victim cry and beg for mercy. Tells herself this is exactly what she wants. That she enjoys what she is doing just as much as before. 

Tries to drown out the echoing of her teammates. Her friend. Her family. Who cares what they would think anyway. They don't have a leg to judge her on. 

She can tell fury has something he'd like to say. About her habits. About what happened. He always has something to say. Nat would have teased until he told her. Natasha does not care. He gives her time to play. To hunt. That's all that matters now. 

/////

Natasha starts having nightmares. Her family is trapped in a plane. They are victims. 

She tells tony he did this to himself. Should have minded his ego better. 

Steve tries to fight his way out of it. Tells her Nat. Nat please I didn't have a choice. He's all I have. 

Sam, vision, Wanda, the kid tony brought with them looks so confused and hurt. They ask her how she could do this? We're family. Nat. Please.

Clint just looks sad. 

The more she dreams the more she hates them. 

She starts using clinical terms when she's forced to talk about the team. Fury stares at her for a long time before sighing and hands her the next assignment. He doesn't bring up the team again.  
////

The pattern continues. Natasha convinces herself that it will go on forever. Why would she change anything? And besides fury will always need monsters to do his bidding. She convinces herself that the choked pressure bubbling within her is the same as the numbness she had before. 

It's better this way. It is. It is. It is. 

The pattern could never hold. 

It breaks like this: 

Natasha is cleaning up after a hunt. This one had been especially bloody and she's covered in it and all of a sudden she's overwhelmed by the echos she's been repressing. Oh god she has so much blood on her hands. It's too much. What is she doing?

Natasha can't help but curl in on herself. Arms wrapping tight as if she can hold all her broken sharp pieces together. She can't help but scream. 

She's so afraid this feeling will consume her. That she'll be lost forever. 

She's not sure when she ended up the floor, crying. And doesn't that just set of a whole bunch of new (old. Very old) fears (get up. Natasha. Pull yourself together before they catch how weak you are). 

Only her instinctually knowledge of those around her keep her from murdering fury today. But just barely. He had wrapped his arms around. She couldn't stop herself from fighting. 

When Natasha comes back to herself fury has her pinned against him as she cries and screams herself horse. She manages to stop screaming. She can't stop the tears. She's never cried before. It's pathetic . The black widow is never this weak. 

It feels like she's drowning. 

It's not fair. They were her family. 

////

Fury takes care of her. Never like this before. It was well known that any emotional breaks would be handled by Clint and coulson. Neither of them are around anymore. 

She wants to pass out after she's calmed down. (And never wake up again) 

Fury makes her drink water and hands her a hot washcloth. 

She never wanted to be this soft. It was everything she had been trying to avoid. (Run from) 

/////

Fury is there when she wakes 

“You know.” He says. “You probably don't believe this but crying is pretty useful. Not just in missions to throw motherfuckers of guard. Coulson frequently reminds me it's part of the healing process. “ 

“It's a sign of weakness.” Natasha replies. Because it is. 

“Maybe. You're definitely vulnerable when you do it. I'm not here to convince you of the concept anyway . I'm here for two reasons. You want to guess why?”

“Not particularly.” Natasha doesn't care to enter guessing games like Nat does. Fury looks disappointed. Fury can kiss her ass. 

“1. Thank you for showing me you trust me to have your back. That's what you crying told me. And 2. I think it's time you finally gave me that sitrep of the shit show that happened to my team.” 

Natasha stares. Fury was thanking her for crying? It didn't make sense. (Goes against everything the red room taught her)

(Wasn't that supposed to be a good thing?) 

“Natasha. “ 

She brings herself back into focus. 

“My sitrep.” Fury demands 

She tells him. Every word said. Every action. She doesn't know how it ended. Never bothered to check. Never bothered to look back. 

“I've got a question. “ fury tells her at the end. “Just one: why was it so important for the team to stay together?”

“Because we're family.” Natasha snaps back immediately. Why was he asking that? Shouldn't that have been obvious. 

Fury stands to go then. Pats her shoulder. Neither of them were great at showing affections. “Exactly. I'll get you that next mission.” He tells her “after all that you probably need a hunt.” 

(Oh god. She's still got blood on her hands. What was she doing? Steve would never accept this. Steve can go fuck himself. If he had trusted her none of this would have happened). 

Natasha ignored that she does actually feel better. The pressure that had been building in her is gone. She takes the next mission. And the next. And the next.  
//////

But...after a while. That night had...softened her. Somewhat. She curious. What did happen after she left? Is everyone okay? Did her family make peace? ( a small. Very very very small part of her hopefully wonders if they found a compromise. Maybe they're all home and she had been running for nothing. ) Natasha knows how untrue that was. Ross would never stop and tony might be willing partner now. Based on how the last fight ended (oh god Rhodes. Tony must be devastated). 

She decides it can't hurt to dig into it. Just a little. 

What she learns: 

Tony is back. 

Stark industries is revolutionizing the medical community. 

Steve broke the others out of prison 

Ross is pushing through even harsher legislation. 

The next mission fury gives her is intel gathering. He says she needs to collaborate with tony and one Dr. Ross. 

Natasha isn't putting off seeing tony. She has plenty to do on her own before she involves him. 

The meeting goes like this: tony is all plastic, teeth bared smiles (the one he uses for attacking people so he isn't attacked first). Gives her a thumb drive and a really fucking ancient phone. He's side about it. She can't help but comment.(Wondering all the time about the yellowing bruises on his face. What caused them?) 

It ends like this:  
Tony in her space snarling that he doesn't give a damn. He just has one question: did she know that Bucky Barnes had killed his parents? 

Which was a weird question and out of left field but there had been enough lies hasn't there? Yes. She knew. 

Natasha watches as Tony's face closes off. Watches as he pulls away. And gives her the coldest dismal she has heard coming from him. 

“Good day ms. Rushmore. Show yourself out.” 

something within her shatters. 

She calls Steve. And once he is done panicking and finds out it's her, not tony calling . He greets her cheerfully. Asks what's up. As if nothing is wrong. As if he hadn't done anything wrong. For a minute she is swallowed by an all consuming rage. She hates them. Hated that Steve did not trust her. Hates tony for not being willing to look past his own hurts to see hers. Hates herself for thinking things could actually be fixed. She hangs up the phone without replying. 

She throws the phone into coulson’s old office. 

Fury was wrong. There's no fixing this. 

Besides Natasha Romanova doesn't care. The black widow doesn't have time to care. She has missions to prepare for.


End file.
